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10 things to do when you're not attracted to your husband anymore

Posted November 15

Attraction fades. Does that mean your marriage is over? (Deseret Photo)

Attraction and the intimacy it sparks are important aspects of marriage. After all, there are somethings that make your relationship with your husband different from every other relationship in your life.

However, as important as attraction is, it can never be the foundation of your marriage. It is only one aspect out of many that make your husband the man you love.

It's normal for attraction to fade but if you don't handle it correctly, it can cause your marriage to fade as well.

1. Learn your love languages

You might not be feeling attracted to your spouse simply because you aren't feeling loved by him. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you anymore, but it may mean he isn't expressing it in a way that allows you to feel it. Learn what your love language is and communicate it to your husband. That way he knows that reaching for your hand is a better expression of love for you personally than bringing you a bouquet of flowers.

2. Stop expecting him to meet all your needs

Even though you're one person, you have a lot of varied needs. But your husband is one person as well and that means he doesn't have the ability to meet all those needs. Your friends, kids and other family members all play significant roles in your life and fill needs that your husband can't. Relieving yourself (and your husband) of that expectation will allow you to focus on the ways he does meet your needs, which will revive your attraction.

3. Do something thrilling

Studies show that doing something novel and exciting boosts attraction. If you feel like you've become bored in your relationship, go for a ride on a zipline, go to a rock concert or rob a bank (wait, do not do that). Just do something that will get your adrenaline pumping. The influx of adrenaline and other hormones will naturally increase your attraction to your spouse.

4. Avoid pornography

If you're watching pornography, it might have everything to do with your fading attraction for your spouse. In porn, physical flaws are edited out, there are no emotional complications mixed in which (according to many studies) can make you dissatisfied with your partner's appearance, sexual performance and can cause love to fade.

5. Redefine attraction

How do you define attraction? Is it purely based on physical attributes or does it embody something more? There are probably people who are culturally defined as beautiful that you haven't been attracted to. Likewise, you've probably met people who the world dubs "gorgeous" that you have been attracted to. Evaluate what attraction really means to you so that you can accurately start searching for those elements (intellect, sense of humor, etc.) in your spouse.

6. Gaze deeply into his eyes

Believe it or not, there is a study that proves those long looks can actually increase attraction. See how long the two of you can gaze into each other's eyes without laughing or talking. This can be awkward and the time can feel long but I dare you to find out if it rekindles the fire of attraction.

7. Close your eyes

On the other hand, maybe the answer is to keep your eyes sealed shut. When are kissing your husband, get lost in the feeling. Make your focus how he makes you feel. And after all, kissing with your eyes open is creepy.

8. Look to the past

What attracted you to him when you first met? Was it his sparkling teeth or his sparkling personality? Even though it was many moons ago that he first caught your eye, he might still have some of those qualities. If you can focus on what used to make you go weak in the knees — like his blue eyes or how cute his laugh is — you may be able to regain your attraction to him.

9. Learn something new

But remember too, that your husband may be nothing like the man you fell in love with. You've changed as well Learn about who he is now and find new pieces of him to be attracted to. This takes effort but it's so worth it.

10. Make yourself more attractive

It's possible that this problem isn't all about your husband. You may be projecting your feelings of unattractiveness onto your husband. Trying investing a little time into making yourself attractive and your husband just might appear more attractive as well. Not only that but it can be something the two of you can work on together.

Melinda Fox has a Bachelor's in English and is a member of the FamilyShare content team.

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