10 things parents should know about suicide if your teen's watching '13 Reasons Why'
The new Netflix series, "13 Reasons Why," might be binge-worthy TV for many of its viewers, especially teenagers, but it's also controversial for the way it depicts suicide and a girl's decision to end her life.
Posted — UpdatedThe new Netflix series, "13 Reasons Why," might be binge-worthy TV for many of its viewers, especially teenagers, but it's also controversial for the way it depicts suicide and a girl's decision to end her life.
Based on the 2007 young adult novel by Jay Asher of the same name, the series tells the story of Hannah Baker, a high school student who, before killing herself, sends cassette tapes to classmates detailing the 13 reasons behind her decision.
Indeed, teen suicide is on the rise, particularly among adolescent girls. It's the third leading cause of death for those ages 10 to 24. And, it comes at a time of year when suicide is more common - spring - as teens grapple with, for instance, not getting into the college they hoped for, anxiety about final exams, dashed prom date hopes and other setbacks that, for some with mental illness, especially, can lead to hopelessness and depression.
What's more, research shows that teens who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and mental illness are more likely to attempt suicide when a family member or classmate has died by suicide – or even the lead character of a popular TV series.
Seeing somebody, especially a person who appears to have everything together, die by suicide can spur other teens, with already low self esteem and mental health issues, to make the same decision for themselves, said Ann Oshel, senior vice president of community relations at Alliance Behavioral Healthcare, which serves Wake, Durham, Cumberland and Johnston counties.
"We have heightened concerns about copycat suicide, especially if it’s somebody really popular in school – a cheerleader, athlete, student body president," Oshel said.
Mental health experts across the Triangle said Tuesday it's critical that parents have candid conversations with their teens, whether they are watching "13 Reasons" or not, about mental health and suicide and that parents and teens are aware of resources where they can get help.
Ninety percent of people who die by suicide have a mental illness, often depression, but it doesn't have to be that way.
"People who receive treatment for their mental illness are living meaningful and fulfilling lives," said Nicholle Karim, public policy director at NAMI North Carolina, pointing to author J.K. Rowling, Lady Gaga and Demi Lovato, who all have spoken up about their own past struggles. "You want to underpin the conversation with hope and recovery."
I checked in with Oshel; Karim; Lauren Foster, executive director of the Raleigh-based HopeLine crisis line; and Carolyn Zahnow, whose own son died by suicide and is founder of The Shore Grief Center, to get some tips on how to have these kinds of tricky conversations with kids and the kinds of things parents should be on the look out for.
Here's what they tell me:
Said Oshel: "Just because you ask the question doesn't mean you’ve planted a seed in their head. It is far worse to ignore it than to openly address it."
Here are some places to look:
"Parents should remind kids that it is fiction," she said. "It's not a true story. Usually people that do kill themselves aren’t going to write a story beforehand. They are just depressed ... very depressed."
"Even if you think that idea has never occurred to your child, you should always talk to them when that’s been something that happened at school," she said.
"Unfortunately, we hear a lot from kids about all of the pressures and the struggles that they go through in school or in peer groups or in extracurricular activities," Karim said. "And we do know that suicide tends to happen sometimes when those things feel so overwhelming and they can’t handle those things. So, as a parent, talk with your kids about how they handle stress and what they do when they feel overwhelmed."
Help them determine the difference between a problem that they can solve on their own or with peers and issues that need adult intervention. Zahnow said a break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend can be a particularly difficult time for a teen, who already may be suffering.
"Teach them how to deal with disappointment and be able to move on and believe that good things are going to happen anyway," Oshel said. "At this time of your life, you’re just learning how to deal with disappointment that seems like it’s going to forever ruin your life."
"Do not think that this is just a passing mood or this is typical adolescent drama," Oshel said. Often, teens don't fully understand the finality of their actions.
"So what may start out as a cry for attention or just some superficial attempt ends up becoming lethal for them," Oshel said.
And Zahnow said you shouldn't wait for a teen with depression to ask you for help.
"The people who live with them and know them will have to get them help," she said. "If you see someone depressed for two weeks or more, get them help. Don’t ask them. Just do it."
"There is this whole secret life that social media allows young people," Oshel said. "That's their main communication with their peers."
Talk directly with your kids about what they are seeing on these social media sites - what's OK, what's wrong and what makes them feel uncomfortable, Oshel said.
"It is important to be straight forward," Foster said. "We say, 'Are you thinking about hurting yourself? Are you thinking about killing yourself?' ... Most of the time, asking them is going to be a relief for them. They don't have to say it. They didn't have to bring it up. You have opened the door for them to come to you because they know that you are paying attention and they know you care about them enough to ask."
The HopeLine added texting capability on April 1 and, in just a few weeks, has seen a lot of use despite almost no promotion, Foster said. Most of the people texting the crisis line for help are kids as young as age 8 to young adults in their mid-20s.
"It's one of those double edged swords," Foster said. "I'm happy the program has been successful so far without doing much promotion, but it's also sad to hear that such young people are going through some really difficult things."
HopeLine's crisis line is open 24 hours a day from Wednesday through Sunday and 8 a.m. to 11 p.m., Monday and Tuesday. The text line is available from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m., weekdays. Foster said she'll expand the hours as more volunteers are trained to handle texts for help.
In fact, on Twitter, children's book author Marcie Colleen, who was in Raleigh earlier this month with her books for younger readers, has launched a campaign with the hashtag #HelptheHannahs to urge Netflix to include resources for viewers before and after each episode who might be struggling with suicidal thoughts. (An email to Netflix about the series and the possibility of including resources hasn't been returned at last check).
"That would be a great idea," said Karim about adding the resources to the episodes. "It’s really important for people to know where they can go to get help if they are having these thoughts and feelings."
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