10 hilariously relatable things you don't say to your wife (if you want to survive your marriage)
Posted June 27
Comedian Tim Hawkins apparently learned some marriage lessons the hard way by the sound of his song — “These are the things you don’t say to your wife.”
The hilarious song captured the interest of millions — and for good reason. The examples he shares of things a husband should never say to his wife are laughably relatable.
Singing to the tune of Green Day’s classic “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” Hawkins captures everything that can go wrong if you don’t think before you speak to your wife. Wrapping up his examples in the chorus, he sings, “If you’re a man who wants to live a long and happy life, these are the things you don’t say to your wife.” Learn from his mistakes and don't dare utter any one of these things to your honey:
1. “Hey honey, have you gained some weight in your rear-end?”
The answer to “honey, does this make me look fat?” is always “no, dear". To earn a few more points, you can even add on something about how she always looks beautiful, no matter what she wears.
2. “The dress you’re wearing reminds me of my old girlfriend.”
Please, please refrain from bringing up any of your past relationships, especially if you're comparing your wife to past girlfriends. It’s a surefire way to end up sleeping on the couch tonight.
3. “Where’d you get those shoes? I think they’re really lame.”
Act as a clothing critic to your wife (whether it’s her shoes, dress or jacket) and you might end up writing a similar song while you’re locked out of the bedroom.
4. “Would you stop talking 'cause I’m trying to watch the game.”
It might be a cliché that men are bad listeners, especially when there’s a game on, but this could apply to however you like spending your time. Telling your wife to be quiet while you scroll social media, take apart your car or tune up the lawnmower is rude and disrespectful.
5. “I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday. I didn’t ask you but I knew it’d be OK.”
Men, birthdays are important to women. Men, women hate it when you make big plans without checking with her first. Keep these facts straight and your marriage will be better for it.
6. “Go make some dinner while I watch this fishing show. I taped it over our old wedding video.”
I really hope Hawkins made up the last part to finish the rhyme, because I would be one crazy storm of relentless rage if my husband did that.
7. “Your cooking is OK, but not like mother makes.”
If you say something like this, expect to hear your wife say something like “Well, if you think the meal could be better, why don’t YOU make it?” Good luck cooking all the family meals for the rest of the week!
8. “The diamond in the ring I bought you is a fake.”
If this has ever happened to you, my condolences on having a fake rock and a fake man.
9. “Your eyes look puffy dear, are you feeling ill?”
Pro husband tip: Instead of insulting her looks, actually offer to help her out. Give her the night off, volunteer to run to the store after picking up the kids and schedule out time for her to sleep in tomorrow morning.
10. “Happy anniversary, I bought you a treadmill.”
The epitome of all insulting gifts — workout equipment. Opt on gifting something she'll really like (or at least something that can't be interpreted as a passive aggressive suggestion to lose some weight).
Thank you, Tim Hawkins, for bringing laughter to millions of married folk who can relate to your hilarious lyrics a bit more than we’d like.
McKenna Park is a staff writer at FamilyShare. She's a happy wife, puppy mama, ice cream addict and film nerd. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.